Category Archives: Loving, Leaving, Knowing

Loving, Leaving, Knowing: Part 3.

I have changed a lot in this version, and I think I love this much better than the previous one. 

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This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong,

To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

She looked out her window to see the sun set fade to black as she thought of the times she was genuinely happy- no barriers. As time went by, these memories started fading, leaving her with a greyer version. She didn’t want to think of him that way, because she believed that she was immensely lucky to have met him and loved him. She thought of the night she had told him; her nose red, her cheeks flushed and her eyes blinking. She remembered the taste of the sea breeze and let out an involuntary sigh. She knew she had loved him. She knew she never regretted it, even though it didn’t last.

She thought of him and even though he fought- the last time they talked was fresh in her memory, she couldn’t help but feel in love. She couldn’t help but remember how he quoted her favourite authors and movies for her. She couldn’t help but laugh at all those funny jokes they shared. She couldn’t help but feel that love. Sometimes she found herself wondering where he was and if he thought of her or if he missed her. At times, she couldn’t help but wonder what happened and why he would stop talking to her. And it pinched her that she couldn’t remember the last time they actually talked before that last conversation that changed everything.

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There were times when she felt like killing herself. She hated how she let herself hope every time her phone lit up. The thought of never hearing from him made her want to throw up. It made her want to curl up and cry. Sometimes she thought it would have been much easier if she were dead, or dying; if she were dying at least there would be the hope of him coming to meet her for the last time! The words of love that she never got to express threatened to burst from within her. She sometimes wanted to escape into the loving arms of death, but had to laugh at the irrationality of the thought. She knew that she was being stupid when she was hoping for him to come back knocking at her doors, but she couldn’t help it, because hope was all she had, and there was no capping it. She didn’t know what was worse – her fears that he’d never get back to her, or that she couldn’t stop loving him.

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She was dressed up for a job interview in his town. She was a little anxious, even though she knew that the town was large enough and the chances of them meeting were minuscule  But the idea of them being so close physically made her tremble. She didn’t know how she’d respond if they met accidently. Would her knees give her up? Would she start crying? Would she run after him? Or would she be in her senses? If she were in her senses, how should she respond? Should she ignore him? Should she smile at him? Should she greet him as an old acquaintance?

She built up a castle in the air about how they’d meet and he’d take her back and apologize for everything he’d put her through, as she heard a knock on her door. She went down the stairs as she laughed at the irrationality of her thread of thought. She was grinning as she opened the door and wished the postman.

…………………………..

She took a deep breath as she opened a letter addressed to her. It was written in a fair hand and made her heart grow warm. She smiled at the fact that somebody wrote her a letter, probably not knowing how much she loved having them.

There was a little note attached to it and she decided to read it before the main letter:You do not know me, but you can find me easily if need arises. The main letter contains information to find me and if you decide to meet me, trust me I’ll be there for you always. And know that his love for you was purer than anything else. You are a lucky girl to have found him.

This note made her heart race as she tried not to think what it meant. She knew that the letter contained answers.

Love,

I know I’ve hurt you and I had no right to. But believe me when I say I had to. I had to let you try to move on, to live without this pain. And probably you’d have been hurt, but I know it’s nothing. I know that I shouldn’t let you know the truth, but it’s not fair and I know I can trust you with what I say, because I trust in life, even after all that I’ve been through, and what you will have to endure. But whether this letter came in too early, is for you to judge.

First,may I tell you what a pleasure it has been for me to know you, and to love you? And it has been my honour to be loved back, truly. I know that this isn’t the part you’re looking for- you’re looking for answers, but this is the part you need to know. That I loved you and I shall continue to do so, even if I’m not to be seen or heard, I’ll be right beside you, love. You’ve been the only thing that has allowed me to live through the pain, let me tell you. If not for you, I would have succumbed long ago. And before I start with the painful part, ignore the fact that I would be blunt, even though I’m trying my best not to be, but to think of what I’m about to put you through, words certainly fail to express how grave I feel. Just know for a fact that I love you……

….

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As soon as she read the letter, she felt weak at her knees and she decided to sleep, because she couldn’t think of anything else to do. Chuck the job, she told herself, before her head hit the pillow.

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She looked out of the window, now dusty, into the dark. It had been decades since her life had changed, as she met him.Somehow, She had survived. She knew she had needed a lot of therapy;she knew she heard a lot of screams, felt a lot of shaking and people asking her if they could hear her. She remembered laughing at times and hearing footsteps at night. She knew she had been depressed and there were times when she wanted to sleep till the pain was gone. She knew that a year later, she had started living as if there was nothing wrong with her, and people looked at her weird for months when she laughed.  The depression would come back again every winter. She knew she tried to put up a mask, but she also knew how most people she knew looked through it. She knew that a part of her had died. A part of her, which she knew just wanted to follow him into the dark. But there was another part of her that wanted to live. To live what he couldn’t live, to redeem the years he had lost, to mock nature, to live for him. But at times she forgot that and started crying looking at the sea. At times she forgot and let the tears flow, with her feeling nothing at all.

As she looked out her window, her hair white, her face wrinkled, yet calm, she thought of him. If there was a promise of eternal love, it should be fulfilled only if one of them is dead and gone. It is only then, that you can test if it is unconditional, because you don’t even get anything in return; not even hope. Only then it is forever. Only then it is always. And she knew that she’d loved him and not even death had faltered her love. She took his name at times, in her mind; yet it didn’t bother her, because she knew she was about to go wherever he was.Soon.

THE END. 

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Let me know what you all think of it now. 😀

And thanks to my beta. Go follow her too! 

Angrezikabutar


Loving, Leaving, Knowing: Part 2.

You can scrutinize me, but I’m reading this amazing book and I just couldn’t put it down. I’ll review it, hopefully, once I’m done with it. Hope this is worth the wait. 😀

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For the sweetest things turn sourest by their deeds;

Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds.

There were times when he doubted himself, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know if it were right on his part to proclaim his feelings for her. He was, after all, going to leave. Yet, when she looked him in the eye and said those words, he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t hurt her, not at that time, when she was so vulnerably looking into his eyes and telling him what he wanted to hear. He wished life was fair, at that time more than ever.

_______

He couldn’t help but believe that probably his life had indeed altered since he’d moved. Although at the most irrational of times, he called her up and quoted Shakespeare by the way of flirting shamelessly, when he was rational he knew that it was indeed those resources provided that healed him, but hurt him in many other ways. They did say that ‘Good and Evil were two sides of the same coins.’ It wasn’t until now that he understood the extent of this.

____________

At times when it hurt the most, he lied down on the bed and remembered those times he spent with her as a friend, trying to neutralize the pain. People might call him pansy for thinking of things like this at times like this, but honestly, they were kidding themselves if they say they don’t think of their families at the biggest of crisis. It did help to think of the people who you love the most, because it gives you the strength to will to survive.

He remembered how they first met, at a mutual friend’s party, two months before he was to leave. If only he’d known what was to come… They got to talking and he knew that they were definitely brought together with some kind of a divine force, because honestly, how could two people, two random people connect so well?

He remembered their first dance, seeing all their friends, and being the only two single people around. He remembered her saying what a pathetic dancer she was, and how it was indeed true as she stepped n his foot constantly, bruising him. He remembered how often she laughed at her own mistakes and constantly making fun of her own self, yet in a non-inferior way. The fact that she was so aware of herself, intrigued him. How she carried herself, like a human, embracing her faults and not over exaggerating or pulling herself down only for attentions’ sake; unlike so many people he knew, how she never dumb-ed herself down, how passionate she was… He loved so many things about her. He definitely adored her into his own oblivion.

Probably why he was in love with her was to do with the fact that he just couldn’t have her, but he did feel a little different around her even when he didn’t know. He just cursed himself for not finding her before it all began. But then again, if curses could help, he cursed his fate for turning out the way it did.

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He wished they could have more than ‘something’ He wished they could be much more than what they were. But as time passed, as he became surer of the end, he was almost glad that he hadn’t made anything worse. He laughed bitterly as he thought of proposing marriage to her as soon as he left this wretched place. Ah! How naive was he!

Sometimes he wondered why didn’t he come clean, but that would only mean embracing and giving in to the truth. He wasn’t ready for it, and he didn’t want her to suffer when he was alive. Probably that’s that, he consoled himself.

___________

Not more than a week, love.

‘I have nothing left to tell you,’ he said in a voice so cold, it scared her.

‘I’m sorry?’ he heard from the other end.

“I don’t want to talk to you ever in my life,’ he said, just as he hung up.

They hadn’t talked in a month. He couldn’t believe he did this to her. He tried to sound as cold as he could, as convincing as he could.

He put his phone on silent, as he ignored her name flashing on his screen. He wished he could tell her what pains he was going through. 

“If you try to disturb me ever again, you see what I’ll do to you.” he texted her, his fingers lingering on the send button a little to longer, before he mustered the courage to press it.

He looked at the nurse in front her and smiled at her, weakly.

“I’m sorry you had to do this, love. I assure you, death will be peaceful,” she said.

“You promised, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did. Never have I known someone as radiant as you in the cancer wing. I hope she wouldn’t panic. You did the right thing, darling. I’d have done the same,” she assured him.

“And you’ll do…”

“I promise to do what you’ve asked me to do. She’ll not suffer much. Now you sleep, peacefully, okay? You don’t have much energy.

________

She looked radiant, her hair white, her face wrinkled, yet calm. Her eyes betrayed the suffering she went through. She kept taking his name, at times, in her mind; yet it didn’t bother her, because she knew what was to come. His eyes fluttered open, he took a long breath, and smiled. He breathed out. His chest never rose again.

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To be continued.

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I know. I hate me too.

Also, I hope this doesn’t seem too rushed or anything.

I would love your reviews and likes.   

 


Loving, Leaving, Knowing: Part 1.

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Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

She’d known love for a long time now. Every passing moment, it was expanding and growing; the heart sometimes missing a beat when she thought of him; her eyes lighting up, as if under starlight and her lips curling up into a smile. They’d professed their love, yes; but it only hurt her more, for it was only a day too late. They both were shocked to hear what they were waiting to hear since the past couple of months. They were both embarrassed about not letting the other know earlier, when it was possible for them to figure out what to do with it. But now, after all this wait, it just felt pointless. Probably something else could have been the matter, had they had the guts. If only.

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When she heard the news that he was going to leave the small town, she was shattered. She wished she could do something to make him stop. To just hold him and never let him go. Would he miss her? Would he keep in touch? She was in love with him, of course. But was he? She wished she could know.

She met him, that night, just outside his gate. She couldn’t help it, help holding that piercing thought to herself. She could feel the butterflies in her stomach as she breathed in the cool sea air. She closed her eyes and took a deeper breath. She imagined the worst possible thing, as she resolved to tell him.

‘You may hate me for this, or you may laugh’, she said, ‘but I’ve had a massive crush on you for the longest time.’

‘I’m sorry?’ he laughed. ‘You what?’

“I’m serious. You may want to believe me when I say something of this magnitude,’ she complained.

He stopped laughing and held her hand, giving her goosebumps.

‘I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a long time too.’

‘Say what?’ she asked, deepening her breaths, trying to concentrate, to think right.

‘That I’ve loved you,’ he confessed.

She laughed bitterly, thinking of the irony of it all.

‘Now what?’ she asked him, praying that he’d not leave the next morning.

They held hands and talked all night, yet the dead weight of farewell holding them down, unknowingly.

……………..

‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?’ he asked her.

‘Your mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun,’ she laughed.

‘Thou art more lovely and more temperate,’ he insisted.

She couldn’t help but giggle and give in.

‘It’s been a year since I’ve met you, you know that, don’t you?’ she complained. ‘How are we to keep going if this is continues.’

‘I know. You think I don’t keep count? Furthermore, you think I’d act this pansy if we met everyday?’ he teased, ‘And you do know I’ll fly in the moment I’m free for a longer time than an hour at a stretch.’

‘Oh,’ she laughed, ‘I was afraid you were keeping a dirty mistress,’ she teased.

‘Ah! How well you know me!’ he teased.

……………………………….

It had been a month since they’d been in contact and she wondered every minute what was wrong. He’d told her she was busier now, more than ever, but she had a bad feeling about it. She tried to ignore the urge to call him and ask what’s wrong, for the fer of disturbing him. But she decided to be patient, and give him all the time he needed.

………………………………

‘I have nothing left to tell you,’ he said in a voice so cold, it scared her.

‘I’m sorry?’

“I don’t want to talk to you ever in my life,’ he said, just as he hung up.

If she was shattered, she hadn’t started feeling it yet. For now, she was only shocked. She hurriedly called him up again. And again. After sometime, she decided to give him time, which she believed was all he needed; till she got a text message from him:

“If you try to disturb me ever again, you see what I’ll do to you.’

And then she panicked.

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To be continued.