As for many people, 2016 was a terrible year for me. It started out in the most beautiful way. I was happy, content, and actually excited for what was going to come. It was supposed to be a game changer. It was supposed to be a year of laughter, love, and unbounded happiness. For the first quarter, it was.
I’d made some mistakes, but I wasn’t guilty. Until it all started going downhill around June.
In an interview I’d given for an internship, I’d told them the one thing I was afraid of was getting burnt out if I took it. And I did. I had to leave it because I couldn’t cope with it and a million different things I took up when I was in my high phase of life. I think that was my biggest mistake this year. To think a high would stay a high. To think that luck would be mine forever. To take everything for granted.
This was the year, I learnt that I was an entitled person, who was mean to people who didn’t deserve it. That I reacted badly, and crazily, and I have potential to hate myself deeply. And I didn’t realise who was toxic and who wasn’t. I realised I blamed people when the problems were entirely my own. This was the year I self-harmed in ways I never thought possible.
I want 2017 to be better. I know there are things that I can’t change. I know that my life is still in pits. I know that the roller coaster of my life might not see an upward sloap for a bit. But I’m not willing to let external circumstances have an effect on me.
This was the year I actually thought about suicide. I thought only a few would miss me when I’m gone, and maybe they were better off with me gone. That it’s better to actually go away than live like this. I’ve never said this out to people, so if you’re reading this, now you know.
I wish I don’t think like that in 2017. I wish for myself the love that I am capable of giving others. I wish for myself every bit of the love that I thought I didn’t deserve this past year. I wish for myself positivity and self love and lots and lots of beautiful poetry.
So here are a few of my New Year’s Resolutions. (I know you needn’t wait for new year’s for it, but still)
- Stay positive.
- Do not take mental health for granted.
- Keep a happy memories journal every week.
- Email self things I should be grateful for
- Email a daily/weekly journal
- Tell people I love you more (only if I mean it)
- Do not self pity about things not in my control
- Send every author/person I admire an email.
- At least 50 blog posts this year (including poetry blog)
And I wish for all of you love, happiness, and beautiful words. Happy New Year! Let me know what you all hope and resolute this year.