Between our memories and our dreams, our present gets ignored. The pain of relationships past, when coincides with the hopelessness of future, we stand anxious in the present. And for some reason I have been living like that for quite some time. This is especially true in Counselling Psychology classes.
Whatever I’ve studied till now has taught me one thing. We have perceptions so strong that we live our whole lives not seeing the world as anybody else does. What I think is right might be right to me, but to you it’s a horrible mistake. We are our own experts.
There are days when I wonder if anything were wrong with me. Why was it that my ideas are too different from other people’s? Why do I believe in an utopia that if we’d try a bit, we’d achieve? Was I being unreal in my ambition? Have I dreamt a dream so unachievable? But not anymore.
I’ve been wanting to get into “Psychology” so bad for the last four years, that I’d given up a lot of things including sleep, and an otherwise caffeine-free two years. That is, out of a hundred and twenty Sophomore aspirants, I wanted to be in the top twenty four, who finally do get a seat, and finally, hopefully major in Psychology. And today, as I sit in this class, I see that my struggle was definitely not in vain-at least I’m not in as horrible a mood anymore.
However, my anxiousness has not seen an end. I constantly today if I’d be, as an Economics professor told us, “the cream at the top.” I wonder what will happen after I graduate. Will I get into a good Masters program? Will I be happy with that? Is this continuous, now habitual stress worth any of it?
In this, I forget to study. A lot of my resources are depleted in this daydreaming. (The anxiety sometimes ends up in fantastic daydreaming). Dreams, coupled with this one failure (to meet my own expectations) leads sometime to panic. And my present is shadowed by ghosts of the past and the future.
But right now, at least I do know that there is little to worry about. I have enough resources, including, thankfully, intelligence and motivation (and coffee). I know it’s manageable, simply because right now I’m aware of this. And even though I’m more critical and insightful about myself, especially thanks to Psychology, I know it’s a strength that I have, that will hopefully help in the future. If not, there’s always hope.