It’s difficult being an adult when your definition of being mature is to be able to manage your emotions and yet not putting them in a locked box, or to let them be all over the place. And it’s even more difficult to put together a mask of maturity when you’re in front of some of your closest friends when it’s okay, by now, that you have stripped away a lot of your defences.
So yes, I made a mistake in forcing you to do something you didn’t want to in the first place. And I forced you into meeting people who didn’t mean a thing to you. Yes, I was being adamant and manipulative while at it. And yes, I was frustrated that you were acting difficult and particularly uncooperative.
But you need to know that I really wanted you to patch up with your best friend, the friend who knew you through high school. I really wanted her to be surprised on her birthday, when others had already ruined the said surprise. And I really wanted you to be there for her on that day, even though you didn’t like some others present there. Because I know what she meant to you, and you mean to her.
So yes, I told you to come out of your comfort-zone, and be present for said best friend. And not for other people present there. Because I genuinely thought you might enjoy it, like I have often enjoyed events I initially thought I would hate. I genuinely thought you might be happy if you saw how happy your best friend was seeing you unexpectedly.
But I’m sorry I didn’t see just how uncomfortable you might be. And I’m sorry you didn’t go treking when you could because I forced you otherwise. And I’m sorry I didn’t see your frame of reference. I know I should have,, as a close friend and your confidant understood just how bad it would have been.
But I swear I didn’t see you cry. And honest to Merlin, I didn’t laugh at you with the person you so intensely dislike at your misery.
But I’m hurt you told everybody-all your best friends that you felt forced into doing it- before telling me that you were so hurt. I understand I’m the last person you want to talk to right now. But I want you to know why I did what I did- not out of impulse, but out of selfish, flawed logic.
And I want you to know I was frustrated at other people and things and I’m sorry I targeted you, and displaced my frustration at you. I should not have done that.
But I don’t want us to fall apart, because truthfully you’re one of my best friends and I love you, unconditionally. And I couldn’t imagine life without you being there to endure my random, adamant, batshit crazy self. And I couldn’t imagine life without telling you how I hate somebody I’m not supposed to. And I can’t imagine life without telling you my future plans which change everyday. I simply cannot imagine life without you in it.