Loving, Leaving, Knowing: Part 3.

I have changed a lot in this version, and I think I love this much better than the previous one. 

……………….

Image

This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong,

To love that well which thou must leave ere long.

She looked out her window to see the sun set fade to black as she thought of the times she was genuinely happy- no barriers. As time went by, these memories started fading, leaving her with a greyer version. She didn’t want to think of him that way, because she believed that she was immensely lucky to have met him and loved him. She thought of the night she had told him; her nose red, her cheeks flushed and her eyes blinking. She remembered the taste of the sea breeze and let out an involuntary sigh. She knew she had loved him. She knew she never regretted it, even though it didn’t last.

She thought of him and even though he fought- the last time they talked was fresh in her memory, she couldn’t help but feel in love. She couldn’t help but remember how he quoted her favourite authors and movies for her. She couldn’t help but laugh at all those funny jokes they shared. She couldn’t help but feel that love. Sometimes she found herself wondering where he was and if he thought of her or if he missed her. At times, she couldn’t help but wonder what happened and why he would stop talking to her. And it pinched her that she couldn’t remember the last time they actually talked before that last conversation that changed everything.

…………………………..

There were times when she felt like killing herself. She hated how she let herself hope every time her phone lit up. The thought of never hearing from him made her want to throw up. It made her want to curl up and cry. Sometimes she thought it would have been much easier if she were dead, or dying; if she were dying at least there would be the hope of him coming to meet her for the last time! The words of love that she never got to express threatened to burst from within her. She sometimes wanted to escape into the loving arms of death, but had to laugh at the irrationality of the thought. She knew that she was being stupid when she was hoping for him to come back knocking at her doors, but she couldn’t help it, because hope was all she had, and there was no capping it. She didn’t know what was worse – her fears that he’d never get back to her, or that she couldn’t stop loving him.

…………………………..

She was dressed up for a job interview in his town. She was a little anxious, even though she knew that the town was large enough and the chances of them meeting were minuscule  But the idea of them being so close physically made her tremble. She didn’t know how she’d respond if they met accidently. Would her knees give her up? Would she start crying? Would she run after him? Or would she be in her senses? If she were in her senses, how should she respond? Should she ignore him? Should she smile at him? Should she greet him as an old acquaintance?

She built up a castle in the air about how they’d meet and he’d take her back and apologize for everything he’d put her through, as she heard a knock on her door. She went down the stairs as she laughed at the irrationality of her thread of thought. She was grinning as she opened the door and wished the postman.

…………………………..

She took a deep breath as she opened a letter addressed to her. It was written in a fair hand and made her heart grow warm. She smiled at the fact that somebody wrote her a letter, probably not knowing how much she loved having them.

There was a little note attached to it and she decided to read it before the main letter:You do not know me, but you can find me easily if need arises. The main letter contains information to find me and if you decide to meet me, trust me I’ll be there for you always. And know that his love for you was purer than anything else. You are a lucky girl to have found him.

This note made her heart race as she tried not to think what it meant. She knew that the letter contained answers.

Love,

I know I’ve hurt you and I had no right to. But believe me when I say I had to. I had to let you try to move on, to live without this pain. And probably you’d have been hurt, but I know it’s nothing. I know that I shouldn’t let you know the truth, but it’s not fair and I know I can trust you with what I say, because I trust in life, even after all that I’ve been through, and what you will have to endure. But whether this letter came in too early, is for you to judge.

First,may I tell you what a pleasure it has been for me to know you, and to love you? And it has been my honour to be loved back, truly. I know that this isn’t the part you’re looking for- you’re looking for answers, but this is the part you need to know. That I loved you and I shall continue to do so, even if I’m not to be seen or heard, I’ll be right beside you, love. You’ve been the only thing that has allowed me to live through the pain, let me tell you. If not for you, I would have succumbed long ago. And before I start with the painful part, ignore the fact that I would be blunt, even though I’m trying my best not to be, but to think of what I’m about to put you through, words certainly fail to express how grave I feel. Just know for a fact that I love you……

….

…………………………..

As soon as she read the letter, she felt weak at her knees and she decided to sleep, because she couldn’t think of anything else to do. Chuck the job, she told herself, before her head hit the pillow.

…………………………..

She looked out of the window, now dusty, into the dark. It had been decades since her life had changed, as she met him.Somehow, She had survived. She knew she had needed a lot of therapy;she knew she heard a lot of screams, felt a lot of shaking and people asking her if they could hear her. She remembered laughing at times and hearing footsteps at night. She knew she had been depressed and there were times when she wanted to sleep till the pain was gone. She knew that a year later, she had started living as if there was nothing wrong with her, and people looked at her weird for months when she laughed.  The depression would come back again every winter. She knew she tried to put up a mask, but she also knew how most people she knew looked through it. She knew that a part of her had died. A part of her, which she knew just wanted to follow him into the dark. But there was another part of her that wanted to live. To live what he couldn’t live, to redeem the years he had lost, to mock nature, to live for him. But at times she forgot that and started crying looking at the sea. At times she forgot and let the tears flow, with her feeling nothing at all.

As she looked out her window, her hair white, her face wrinkled, yet calm, she thought of him. If there was a promise of eternal love, it should be fulfilled only if one of them is dead and gone. It is only then, that you can test if it is unconditional, because you don’t even get anything in return; not even hope. Only then it is forever. Only then it is always. And she knew that she’d loved him and not even death had faltered her love. She took his name at times, in her mind; yet it didn’t bother her, because she knew she was about to go wherever he was.Soon.

THE END. 

…………

Let me know what you all think of it now. 😀

And thanks to my beta. Go follow her too! 

Angrezikabutar

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About TheBlackWallflower

I'm just your average unique person. I love to read and write (no surprises there, eh?) and think a lot. I adore Rowling and think Harry Potter should be a religion. I also hate pink. I love fluff generally because it makes me feel intelligent and I love poetry because it makes me feel different. (yes, references.) I'm married to Sirius Black. So I sign myself as The Bitch alarmingly often. Oh, and I love Mr. Darcy. And Jo Longo. And Chandler Bing. And Sherlock. (Yes, I'm a fantard.) And in case you want to drop in a good, or a critical word, feel free to email me: theblackwallflower@gmail.com OR, follow me on Twitter: @WallflowerBlack Enough with the babble. OkBye. View all posts by TheBlackWallflower

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